School started this week.
That means summer vacation has officially ended, although the thermometer hasn’t figured that out!
The last week and a half were very busy getting ready for the next beginning….

This morning, I went to Yoga. My teacher began talking about the ebb and flow of Life: how things are always moving, changing, ending, beginning… the children grow and the parents age, and witnessing this can be bittersweet. She talked about the fact that some people relish the change… they look forward to it and try to facilitate it… and then there are those who are dragged along kicking and screaming by the relentless march of time.

I fall into both categories!
Sometimes I want to get on with it – I just want to skip ahead, out of this situation and into the next! Such impatience! I know it is just my ego being dissatisfied, grasping, chasing… oooh shiny object! I want that! It is difficult sometimes to just Sit with What Is.

Then, there are things that I don’t want to change at all, and I cling to these things as if my very life depended on it ~ whose life? certainly not my True (timeless) Self…  it must be the self that I have constructed out of myriad stories and beliefs… the me who lives in a house of cards and illusions.

But, there is yet a third category: the Witness who is my True Identity… the One who can see all time and space stretched out to Infinity. The one who feels like Time itself is the Ultimate Illusion!

The other day, I was watching my family’s life scroll by in slide show fashion on my TV ~ a mixed-up jumble of events and places: my wedding, followed by this year’s summer vacation… next a baby picture of my oldest son, then my twins three years ago, then a picture of all three boys from last week! I was particularly struck by a picture of my oldest son at age three or so, leaning against a wall ~ in my minds’ eye, I recalled seeing him leaning against a wall in exactly the same stance just that very same afternoon!

I saw it, the Illusion of Time: Yes, things change…. but also, they don’t! There is a thread of Continuity that exists, that runs through our lives and those around us. I see it in my boys ~ for all the Growth and Change they have gone through… they are still exactly how they came to me! I look into their faces and simultaneously see them at 1 year old, 3 years old, 7 years old…… and how they will be at 15!

But the Thread of Continuity is also far more subtle than that: My Grandmother died a few years ago; I sometimes struggle to remember specific events or details ~ but then, I go to sleep and dream and she is there with me, and I can easily reach out and hug her! I know she watches over me… has not, in fact left me at all! It’s just that I can no longer call her on the phone… but my soul can call her anytime and she will answer. This, I think is the other aspect of the Illusion of Time: we think this is all there is, the things we can experience with our usual five senses ~ and we suffer because all of it is Impermanent! We have forgotten that there are other far more subtle realms that overlap with ours ~ our outward-looking eyes have  lost the ability to Truly See… and so we try to remember, try to remember the essence of things that have passed and try to forecast things that are yet to come. We fill our lives with Expectations.

All we really have to do is Be Present in Every Moment, really Present, put down our stories, and Be with our eyes and heart wide open ~ then, the Universe will open to us and show us Everything!

I have always felt like Time is a stretchy thing. Even Now is a stretchy thing! Time slows down and speeds up and it all really depends more on my interest and attention than the accuracy of my clock. Time marches, sometimes to a deafening, strict beat. Yet in my experience, it is far more fluid than that ~ it Spirals, Bends, Folds back on itself so that you can glimpse several stages all at once! Or the same situation from a different angle ~ I often meet the same personalities, situations, characteristics… they just come in different packages! History Repeats again and again… unless we learn from it. Time loops and dives like a bird in flight.

So, yes, there is ebb and flow in life ~ things change! All is Impermanent! We all are simultaneously infants and ancient ones…. and our lives pass through us.

Although the tides go in and out… the ocean is always there, and the moon is always pulling on it ~ likewise in our own lives there is a Thread of Continuity… it seems to me we are all, really, Time Travelers!

Its hard to believe that several months have passed since my last post…

I am grateful to have healed nicely physically ~ I have re-started my yoga asana practice to rebuild my body and am cleaning up my diet a bit more…

I am beginning to re-enter the stream of Life after spending a Year going through the Dark Night of my Soul ~ such a time of tremendous growth and karmic cleanup!

Now I’m ready for something new: this whole Ca thing has cleared out a lot of crud and now I’m Ready… Ready to start anew! Check out my other blog “Images & Imaginings”: I’m growing as an artist:)

I don’t just want this to be the post-BCa blog… I have other things to talk about too!

We had a busy and fun summer, but now the boys are in school and I can shift my focus a bit.

First, the backstory…

I was holding onto an old, ancient story. It had been keeping me stuck in my life in more ways than I could count – made me feel like I had to hide myself in plain sight..

I was wanted, I was loved, but I wasn’t quite what was expected…I didn’t fulfill needs that, in truth weren’t mine to fulfill, but I was programmed to believe they were. It didn’t matter what it related to (school, work, friendships, hobbies, talents, abilities), there was always somebody smarter, faster, better, friendlier, more experienced than me ~ so who was I to claim anything for myself? Who would listen to what I wanted, no… Desperately Needed to say?

I had struggled always, trying to maintain some kind of balance, and found myself splitting into two people: the one who was the ‘good girl’ who fulfilled everyone’s expectations to the best of my abilities, and the one who would Disappear so that I could nuture myself in some way, in private, far away from a Hungry Ghost that haunted me, hunted me down with it’s wide gaping mouth looking for sustenance.

It is truly exhausting to be two people ~ you run a great risk of forgetting which one is REAL!

When all this Cancer stuff happened, I realized I had to fight for ME with everything I had, on every level: body, mind, emotions, spirit. It was time for me to claim everything for myself… everything about my Self that I had learned to leave on the table, to hide away in some deep dark corner of my soul.. and that it was NOT selfish to do so!

When I realized the only needs and expectations I truly HAD to meet were my own, I realized I was already fulfilling the many of the needs and expectations of the people around me… Actually, my friends and true supporters have shown me, with greatest love, that I was already the person I had always hoped to be, but hadn’t felt the Right To Be – I was there! They see it!

One of the biggest things that has happened in my life is that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage I in August of last year. I have under gone surgery and chemo. I have more surgery and Tamoxifen ahead of me. 
Most people express Hate for Cancer – they want nothing to do with it! There’s even a website called “Fuck Cancer” where people express how it has changed (and maybe even ruined) their lives or killed their loved ones. But I have a different view:


        Dear Cancer,

You were an unwelcome visitor; even though I wasn’t entirely surprised by your showing up.

 You Terrified me. Devastated me. I have cried rivers.

 You put me into a hibernation of sorts. Forced me to slow down and take a break from my usual busy-ness. 

 You brought surgery, which has irreversibly altered me physically. My northern girl parts are gone, and in their place, silicone bags filled with tears! This change has affected my posture as well as my mobility and flexibility – I feel the shifts in my whole body, not just the parts directly impacted by knives and expanders.

 You brought chemotherapy (a.k.a. systemic poisoning) which has affected me to my deepest cellular core, made me ill, gain weight, and lose all my hair. My southern girl parts have gone to sleep.

Yet, inspite of all that, I want to Thank You. Because of you, I really had to look deeply at Things – at my habits and belief systems, the modus under which I operated. I finally got down to the deepest layer of what makes me tick. And I realized many things:

 I am self-sufficient, not for survival, but because I’m just that way. Though I did find a strength and courage I didn’t know I had. Found fortitude too. And though I am self-sufficient, I learned a lot about asking for help and letting go of control. I can now better accept limitations of my own as well as those of others. I have gained a better understanding of how I fit into the larger picture of my life; developed a deeper sensitivity to myself and others as well as a new willingness to show my own vulnerabilities.

 I do not need to sacrifice myself to be worthy, to be accepted, or to be liked. I was only hurting myself and I was already amazing… I am amazing! I am already enough. There will be no more self-sacrificing from me!

 I have reached deeper levels of creativity and self-expression ~ where I used to experience so much self doubt and a deep lack of self-respect, I have gained an ease and joyfulness about myself…. I have a better sense of who I am.

 I have a deeper appreciation for life – I am better able to laugh and play, not to be so serious all the time, as I once was, but to make room for a little irreverence and humor. I have released an old old story about myself that had been choking me for nearly my whole life – I now KNOW I belong Here… But, Cancer, you do not belong in my life.

So many psychological and emotional changes to go along with all the physical stuff I have been experiencing! Because of this journey, I have become much more authentic, and am determined to live from that place. I no longer feel I need to apologize for myself or how I am – I can be me fully and know that that is perfect.

So, Thank You for your Gifts, Cancer – I will cherish them always. I have finished my chemotherapy, and I do have more surgery ahead… 

But with you, I am complete. I have fulfilled my contract with you and release you to wreak havoc on another student…may they be awake enough to appreciate the lessons you teach and the gifts you bring.

With greatest respect,

me

It has been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog… I didn’t think I had anything I really wanted to share in a public forum like this. 

I have been thinking a lot about transitions since late september:

The Universe is always sending us messages… sometimes we try to hit the ‘snooze button’ because we are not yet ready to Wake Up, not yet ready to hear the message.
But the Universe will come around again and send another message, this time maybe louder or more forcefully ~ so listen when the alarm goes off! it’s time to Wake Up!