First, the backstory…

I was holding onto an old, ancient story. It had been keeping me stuck in my life in more ways than I could count – made me feel like I had to hide myself in plain sight..

Here’s the story:

I was the wrong person.

I was wanted, I was loved, but I wasn’t quite what was expected…I didn’t fulfill needs that, in truth weren’t mine to fulfill, but I was programmed to believe they were. It didn’t matter what it related to (school, work, friendships, hobbies, talents, abilities), there was always somebody smarter, faster, better, friendlier, more experienced than me ~ so who was I to claim anything for myself? Who would listen to what I wanted, no… Desperately Needed to say?

Who would listen to “little ol’ me?”

I had struggled always, trying to maintain some kind of balance, and found myself splitting into two people: the one who was the ‘good girl’ who fulfilled everyone’s expectations to the best of my abilities, and the one who would Disappear so that I could nuture myself in some way, in private, far away from a Hungry Ghost that haunted me, hunted me down with it’s wide gaping mouth looking for sustenance.

It is truly exhausting to be two people ~ you run a great risk of forgetting which one is REAL!

…And it made me Sick. Cancer came to teach me what it Costs to split, to try to feed a Ghost that will never be sated..

And do you know what the Primary Programmer said to me as I was wrapped in Pot-op Ace with drains hanging out? “You’re not affected enough by what I ‘m going through!”

When all this Cancer stuff happened, I realized I had to fight for ME with everything I had, on every level: body, mind, emotions, spirit. It was time for me to claim everything for myself… everything about my Self that I had learned to leave on the table, to hide away in some deep dark corner of my soul.. and that it was NOT selfish to do so!

When I realized the only needs and expectations I truly HAD to meet were my own, I realized I was already fulfilling the many of the needs and expectations of the people around me… Actually, my friends and true supporters have shown me, with greatest love, that I was already the person I had always hoped to be, but hadn’t felt the Right To Be – I was there! They see it!

Epiphany:
It truly is SAFE for Me to be none other than My Truest Self , that the Universe will unequivocally support me to do so, and that anything less than that is Dangerous to my Life!
~ and ~ 
I need to give myself more credit for everything they see in me, for the work I’ve done to get to this place, for growing and never, never giving up or giving in.
This realization gave me the strength to tell the Ghost exactly just how much our relationship had hurt me and that I Won’t Allow it anymore. I Won’t be Tricked into trying to feed it’s hunger.
And so now, on the eve of my next surgery in the Reconstructive process, I continue to have Faith in my Body’s ability to heal and Know That I am buoyed by the love and prayers of my family, friends and supporters, by the very Universe itself and all those in the Spiritual realm who watch over me and keep me safe.
I feel Light of Heart, Peaceful of Mind, Free of Spirit and Stronger than ever!
The sky is blue, the sun is shining and it is truly an extraordinary sight to see!