One of the biggest things that has happened in my life is that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, stage I in August of last year. I have under gone surgery and chemo. I have more surgery and Tamoxifen ahead of me. 
Most people express Hate for Cancer – they want nothing to do with it! There’s even a website called “Fuck Cancer” where people express how it has changed (and maybe even ruined) their lives or killed their loved ones. But I have a different view:


        Dear Cancer,

You were an unwelcome visitor; even though I wasn’t entirely surprised by your showing up.

 You Terrified me. Devastated me. I have cried rivers.

 You put me into a hibernation of sorts. Forced me to slow down and take a break from my usual busy-ness. 

 You brought surgery, which has irreversibly altered me physically. My northern girl parts are gone, and in their place, silicone bags filled with tears! This change has affected my posture as well as my mobility and flexibility – I feel the shifts in my whole body, not just the parts directly impacted by knives and expanders.

 You brought chemotherapy (a.k.a. systemic poisoning) which has affected me to my deepest cellular core, made me ill, gain weight, and lose all my hair. My southern girl parts have gone to sleep.

Yet, inspite of all that, I want to Thank You. Because of you, I really had to look deeply at Things – at my habits and belief systems, the modus under which I operated. I finally got down to the deepest layer of what makes me tick. And I realized many things:

 I am self-sufficient, not for survival, but because I’m just that way. Though I did find a strength and courage I didn’t know I had. Found fortitude too. And though I am self-sufficient, I learned a lot about asking for help and letting go of control. I can now better accept limitations of my own as well as those of others. I have gained a better understanding of how I fit into the larger picture of my life; developed a deeper sensitivity to myself and others as well as a new willingness to show my own vulnerabilities.

 I do not need to sacrifice myself to be worthy, to be accepted, or to be liked. I was only hurting myself and I was already amazing… I am amazing! I am already enough. There will be no more self-sacrificing from me!

 I have reached deeper levels of creativity and self-expression ~ where I used to experience so much self doubt and a deep lack of self-respect, I have gained an ease and joyfulness about myself…. I have a better sense of who I am.

 I have a deeper appreciation for life – I am better able to laugh and play, not to be so serious all the time, as I once was, but to make room for a little irreverence and humor. I have released an old old story about myself that had been choking me for nearly my whole life – I now KNOW I belong Here… But, Cancer, you do not belong in my life.

So many psychological and emotional changes to go along with all the physical stuff I have been experiencing! Because of this journey, I have become much more authentic, and am determined to live from that place. I no longer feel I need to apologize for myself or how I am – I can be me fully and know that that is perfect.

So, Thank You for your Gifts, Cancer – I will cherish them always. I have finished my chemotherapy, and I do have more surgery ahead… 

But with you, I am complete. I have fulfilled my contract with you and release you to wreak havoc on another student…may they be awake enough to appreciate the lessons you teach and the gifts you bring.

With greatest respect,

me